Red Platform Sneakers

I have recently decided to start an exercise program. I have a cheap version of an elliptical in my apartment (a Gazelle) that I use frequently. I also like to do Dance Dance Revolution on my Playstation. I have a gym in my apartment complex that is free to use because I am a resident. The problem with this gym is that it is full of skinny people who work out in their makeup and miraculously do not sweat. I, on the other hand, turn various shades of red and purple and spurt salty water like a whale when I exert any sort of energy. No one likes to be the one thing unlike the others, so I had not utilized this gym in the last year and a half.

In the last couple of weeks I have started to wish that I had a real elliptical. Last Friday I decided that it was time to use the elliptical at the gym. What was the worst thing that could happen? The skinny people could laugh and point at the heavy, sweaty, red girl on the elliptical, but I could survive that... So on the way home from work I drove past the gym and saw only one person working out. A perfect time to go and try it out!

I went up to my apartment and put on my workout shorts and a t-shirt. At this point I realized that I had left my tennis shoes at the my boyfriend's house. I scanned my closet for an alternate option. Much to my dismay, I have only one other pair of shoes that even resembles an athletic shoe... a pair of red, platform Tommy Hilfiger sneakers. Well, I was determined at this point, so I swallowed my pride and put on these fire-engine-red shoes and headed to the gym.

By the time I got to the gym, there were at least 6 people there and only one elliptical machine left. And it was next to a guy. An athletic, good-looking guy. Ugh. I got on the elliptical and started my workout. The entire front wall of the gym is mirrored, so every time I lifted one of my legs I saw flashes of red shoes and realized that I was, in fact, the most embarrassing specimen of a gym attendee I had ever seen. Amazingly, not a single person laughed.

After what felt like an eternity but was actually only three (THREE!) minutes, I thought my legs were going to fall off and I was going to hallucinate. Here's the dilemma... I have already looked like a fool coming in the gym in red sneakers (platforms, nonetheless) and have only been on this torture contraption for three minutes... they would surely laugh if I left at this point. So I continued to huff and puff and stayed on the elliptical for 25 (TWENTY-FIVE!) minutes. Whoa. Do you remember the scene in Bridget Jones' Diary when she rides the exercise bike so hard she literally falls off? Well, I didn't fall off, but it was a very close call, as I could no longer feel my legs and my platform sneakers were only a hindrance at this point.

I managed to walk out of the gym in a relatively dignified manner and turn the corner before I bent over at the waste and prayed that I wouldn't vomit. After the struggle back up to my second floor apartment a quarter of a mile away, I sat on my living room floor, drank a liter and a half of water, and wondered what had possessed me that this was a good idea.

I got my regular athletic shoes from my boyfriend the next day and am pleased to announce that I have gone back to the gym three times in dignified clothing. I have not felt like I was going to vomit or hallucinate since that first evening. I don't fear the pretty, skinny people at the gym any more. If the didn't laugh at me in red platform sneakers, they probably never will.

Water, water everywhere

In effort to "live a healthier life" (see blog on resolutions), I have started drinking water--a lot of water. I know that drinking plenty of water will help rid your body of toxins, help you lose weight, make your skin look better, etc. I also know that drinking the 10-12 eight ounce glasses of water a day that I aim for is causing me to make many a trip to the ladies' room. My skin is already looking better and I feel like my system is a bit "cleaner," so maybe it's working. The trips to the ladies' room, though, is hindering my resolution on working smarter. It's always something, isn't it?

My dog has good taste

My boyfriend and I have a four and a half month old Labrador Retriever that is just as black as black can be. His name is Buddy, and he is, indeed, everyone's buddy. I have never encountered an animal with so much energy and such an ability to create chaos. In a matter of moments he can urinate on the floor, bounce over to the coffee table, use one of his gigantic paws to break a glass full of soda, and lick the skin off of the lower half of my face. I'm telling you, this kid is a hand full.

The other night I was sitting on the sofa, playing tug-a-war with dear Buddy. He tired of the game and jumped onto the sofa to give some kisses. Buddy loves the kisses. He made his way to my ear and I suddenly felt a sharp pain. Buddy had managed to bite my earring out of my ear and swallow it before I even knew what had happened. Days later we found the back of the earring in the sofa, but I am fearful the little silver heart the embellished my right ear lobe has vanished forever. That particular set of earrings were a gift I gave myself after graduating from law school... a bright, shiny pair of sterling silver earrings from Tiffany's. My dog has good taste.