Red Platform Sneakers

I have recently decided to start an exercise program. I have a cheap version of an elliptical in my apartment (a Gazelle) that I use frequently. I also like to do Dance Dance Revolution on my Playstation. I have a gym in my apartment complex that is free to use because I am a resident. The problem with this gym is that it is full of skinny people who work out in their makeup and miraculously do not sweat. I, on the other hand, turn various shades of red and purple and spurt salty water like a whale when I exert any sort of energy. No one likes to be the one thing unlike the others, so I had not utilized this gym in the last year and a half.

In the last couple of weeks I have started to wish that I had a real elliptical. Last Friday I decided that it was time to use the elliptical at the gym. What was the worst thing that could happen? The skinny people could laugh and point at the heavy, sweaty, red girl on the elliptical, but I could survive that... So on the way home from work I drove past the gym and saw only one person working out. A perfect time to go and try it out!

I went up to my apartment and put on my workout shorts and a t-shirt. At this point I realized that I had left my tennis shoes at the my boyfriend's house. I scanned my closet for an alternate option. Much to my dismay, I have only one other pair of shoes that even resembles an athletic shoe... a pair of red, platform Tommy Hilfiger sneakers. Well, I was determined at this point, so I swallowed my pride and put on these fire-engine-red shoes and headed to the gym.

By the time I got to the gym, there were at least 6 people there and only one elliptical machine left. And it was next to a guy. An athletic, good-looking guy. Ugh. I got on the elliptical and started my workout. The entire front wall of the gym is mirrored, so every time I lifted one of my legs I saw flashes of red shoes and realized that I was, in fact, the most embarrassing specimen of a gym attendee I had ever seen. Amazingly, not a single person laughed.

After what felt like an eternity but was actually only three (THREE!) minutes, I thought my legs were going to fall off and I was going to hallucinate. Here's the dilemma... I have already looked like a fool coming in the gym in red sneakers (platforms, nonetheless) and have only been on this torture contraption for three minutes... they would surely laugh if I left at this point. So I continued to huff and puff and stayed on the elliptical for 25 (TWENTY-FIVE!) minutes. Whoa. Do you remember the scene in Bridget Jones' Diary when she rides the exercise bike so hard she literally falls off? Well, I didn't fall off, but it was a very close call, as I could no longer feel my legs and my platform sneakers were only a hindrance at this point.

I managed to walk out of the gym in a relatively dignified manner and turn the corner before I bent over at the waste and prayed that I wouldn't vomit. After the struggle back up to my second floor apartment a quarter of a mile away, I sat on my living room floor, drank a liter and a half of water, and wondered what had possessed me that this was a good idea.

I got my regular athletic shoes from my boyfriend the next day and am pleased to announce that I have gone back to the gym three times in dignified clothing. I have not felt like I was going to vomit or hallucinate since that first evening. I don't fear the pretty, skinny people at the gym any more. If the didn't laugh at me in red platform sneakers, they probably never will.