Mojito

Today was my last day at the Dallas law firm I have called work-home for the last two and a half years. I am going to miss the daily contact with some of the friends I have there, but I have no doubt that it was time to change.

In honor of my departure, a few of my work friends and I went to Cuba Libre and drank mojitos for a couple of hours. The mojito... quite possibly the best concoction created since chocolate chip cookies. A magical combination of rum and soda, sugar and mint, and that hint of lime that adds just the right contrast to the sweetness. Good gracious, it is a wonderful, wonderful thing. At Cuba, one of my long-time fav Dallas drinking locations, you can order these blessed potions by the pitcher. For a mere $25 you, too, can experience an entire pitcher of this delight.

I start my new job in Fort Worth on Monday... my search for Fort Worth's perfect drink will start shortly thereafter. Check back for reports on the quest.

Cow Town

Go west, young woman! On May 23, 2005, I will join the working masses in Fort Worth, Texas. I have decided to hang up my Big D hat, travel along I-30, and become a school law attorney in Cow Town. Yee-ha!

To be honest, leaving my first "real" job is not easy. I have made many friends, and I will miss the daily contact with all of them. My boss, for example, has been a tremendous mentor to me. He has taught me so much about the practice of law generally, and representing municipalities specifically. I feel so fortunate to have started my law school career under his guidance.

But onward and upward! I have decided to take an opportunity in Fort Worth that will allow me to fully focus my career on the representation of Texas public schools. Fortunate and blessed, indeed.

Long Time Comin'

If music is the fluid that moves a spirit, Bruce Springsteen is the flood that my soul needed.

Since my last post, I have aimed to submerge myself in music--all kinds of music--in an attempt to lift my spirits. I am listening to classic music at work. I have stopped listening to talk radio on my way home from work and have opted for CDs. And on Friday night, BH and I went to my very first (and BH's zillionth) Bruce Springsteen concert.

In all honesty, I never really "got" Springsteen. His CD's are ok, but nothing I was just bonkers over. I always enjoyed the poetic-ness of his songs, but never enough to really call myself a fan. And then, oh my goodness then, I saw him live. Springsteen is much like hockey in this one regard... it's a whole new monster in person.

Springsteen's passion is unparalleled. He feels his music so deeply that you cannot help but let yourself absorb into the moment. He played with a spontaneity I have never encountered. There was no set play list; he simply let the mood move him. The concert, Devils and Dust, features Springsteen, a harmonica, a piano, and a series of impressive guitars. The concert is truly just a man and his music. The talent that it takes to transfix 6,000 people for 3 hours with nothing but the air in your lungs and the strumming of a guitar is almost unfathomable.

Springsteen's most amazing gift, though, is his storytelling. He tells stories between songs and in his music. Very few of the songs have choruses; they are songs that force you to sit back, listen, think, and feel. This storytelling talent allows you to escape in his poetry and relate to him on what feels like an almost intrusively personal level. At the end of the concert, I felt like I knew him. I felt like I had been given the privilege of peering into his heart. He told me a story, and I listened. We all listened. And I am better for having heard what he had to say.

Green Day mood

I have been in a kind of funk lately. I think this less-than-good-mood was brought on by a number of factors, including job boredom, frustration with weight loss, desire for financial stability, etc. I have analyzed this mood and the possible reasons for it for the past month or so. Last night I realized that I had overlooked one very important possible component.

I was driving to BH's house with my moon-roof open and the newest Green Day album (American Idiot--awesome, by the way) blaring when I realized that I don't really listen to music anymore. I listen to a talk-radio station (or NPR) in the morning on my way to work; I listen to another talk-radio program on my home from work, and I listen to the television when I get home. Somehow, I have managed to obliterate music from all parts of my life. My closest encounter with a melody comes when I'm on hold and subjected to elevator tunes. Maybe this musical oversight has something to do with my lack of peppiness. Science has established that a lack of sunshine can cause depression... maybe a lack of music can do the same.

Some of my happiest teenage moments, the moments I felt most free, were driving aimlessly in deep-unpopulated-west Texas with (forgive me for this) Ace of Base or Concrete Blondes or Green Day's Kerplunk booming through my cheap 1992 Cavalier speakers. Something about the pounding of the chorus and the acceleration of the car came together to make all my worries slip away along with my hearing. How could I have forgotten that long-ago feeling of freedom? How could I have forgotten that I can get lost in guitar riffs and feel my pulse race when a drum solo shakes the car? For a moment last night, while listening to a Green Day album that brought me back to my years of high school, I remembered. And for that moment, I was happy. Truly, freely, teenage-kind of happy.

I'm going to strive to re-introduce music into my daily life. I have a feeling that I need it as much as I need the sunshine. And if by some miracle of the blogging world Green Day ever sees this... thanks.

What can Brown do for you?

I will begin this blog entry by admitting the fact that I did not witness the events that I am about to recount, but have heard about them through my boyfriend (whom I will refer to as BH to protect his identity ), a key player in this story.

UPS tried to deliver a package to BH just the other day. BH was not at home at the delivery time, so he decided to go to the UPS building to pick up his package. BH decided to take the kids with him. BH and I are the proud parents of a 3 year old German shepard (Tanner) and a 7 month old lab (Buddy). For more on Buddy, see entry "My Dog Has Good Taste."

When BH returned to the car after retrieving his package, he found Buddy in the front seat. BH opened the front door and told Buddy to get in the back seat, a command Tanner obeys without hesitation. True to form, Buddy did not get in the back seat, but instead jumped out of the car and raced around in circles, forcing BH to chase him.

After a brief race, BH captured the hellion and opened the back door to put Buddy in the car. Tanner, either trying to help or bending to Buddy's bad influence, jumped out of the car. Just about this time, Buddy managed to slip from his collar and began the race around the car again. Tanner, on the other hand, ran for building.

UPS has weight sensitive automatic sliding doors. Tanner weighs almost 100 pounds. Despite BH's intense prayers, the doors slid open and Tanner ran inside. BH had visions of Tanner being trapped inside, panicking, and scaring the holy crap out of the poor men in brown shorts. Thankfully, Tanner had the good fortune to run outside before the doors slid closed again.

About this time, BH caught Buddy, the initiator of the Malay, and got Tanner back in the car. All were safe and sound. If children are half as rambunctious a labs, I suspect we might want to re-think having a family... or at least taking the family to UPS.

Noble public servants

My boyfriend is considering going into law enforcement. Many people, upon learning of this plan, have asked me if I have a problem with my boyfriend exploring such a dangerous career. My response is always that I could not be more proud of a man who is willing to put himself into danger's way in order to protect the public. There is no more noble endeavor.

Just a couple of weeks ago, in Tyler, Texas, a man shot and killed law enforcement officers, his ex-wife, and an innocent by-stander on the front steps of the courthouse... a courthouse that I have entered a number of times in my short career as an attorney. It is so very strange to think that on any given day, I could have been on those steps.

And then, just yesterday, a man shot and killed a law enforcement officer, a judge, and a court reporter in a courthouse in Atlanta. Public servants, all three, lost their lives simply because of their career choice. They were murdered while going about their daily business.

My heart is filled with sadness every time someone loses their life, but the injustice of a public servant being slain is almost unbearable. I have unmeasurable respect for anyone who is willing to take a job in the public sector. A police officer's sole responsibility is to protect and serve the community. A judge's calling is to dispense justice and help find resolutions to conflicts in a peaceful manner. While most people go to work to earn a living, these public servants go to work to make the lives of those in the community better and safer.

My heart goes out to the family and friends of those public servants who have lost their lives while going about their noble business. And to my dear boyfriend, I will honestly say that I could not be more proud of your choice to serve the public.

Rooting for the bad guy

A few days ago my sister asked me why I don't often write about serious topics. I tend to tell a funny story and make me people laugh or at least smile. I find that "serious" topics are much more difficult to pull off well. With that being said, something has been chewing on my mind lately...

I have recently become concerned with the entertainment world's tendency to force society to root for the bad guy. Examples of this trend are found everywhere you turn. In Ocean's Eleven, you find yourself hoping that Clooney and his gang successfully steal millions of dollars from a casino. Within the first five minutes of The Italian Job you are cheering for the thieves to get away with bricks of gold.

And it isn't just the thieves we root for... one of today's most successful television shows is The Sopranos, where you pray Tony doesn't get nabbed by the feds. And we have The Shield, where bad-guy policemen serve as your hero.

The music-world is even worse because we're told to support real-life bad guys. A rapper has no "street-cred" until he's been shot a few times, e.g. my personal fav, 50 cent. The "bad guy"
is the guy we root for, the guy whose records we buy... we're forced into the bad guy's corner.

When we are manipulated into cheering for the criminals, the violence, and the cheaters, are we not being fooled into bending our ethics? We willingly fall into the trap of wanting the bad guy to get away, but are we also letting our sense of right and wrong get away with that bad guy? Are we teaching our children that sometimes the bad guy deserves to get away without punishment, or, worse yet, there is fame and fortune and fans when you are the bad guy. Surely we are not knowingly instilling this morality, or actually lack there of, in the next generation.

We complain about today's adolescents not respecting authority and losing past generations' ideas about ethics and what it means to be a good citizen, but can we blame them? We've placed the next generation in front of the television and, even if unintentionally, induced them to cheer for mob bosses, crooked cops, thieves, and murders.

I am one of the world's biggest First Amendment advocates and believe that the entertainment world has every right to provide us with films, television, and music that presents the "bad guy" as the hero. I am simply hoping that we, as an informed society, will at the very least take the time to realize that we're being duped into cheering for characters that do not share our ethics, our morals, or even our innate sense of justice. Just be conscious of the fact that you are rooting for the bad guy.

Skinny French Women

I'm reading a best seller right now called French Women Don't Get Fat. I picked up the book thinking (1) I want to know how to get un-fat and (2) I want to know how to get un-fat and still eat cream sauces. It really does sound too good to be true... eat like the French and don't turn into a walrus. My boyfriend says they don't get fat because of all the cigarettes. There might be some truth to that, but the author has not yet mentioned that as part of the French philosophy. I'll let you know how it turns out...

Red Platform Sneakers

I have recently decided to start an exercise program. I have a cheap version of an elliptical in my apartment (a Gazelle) that I use frequently. I also like to do Dance Dance Revolution on my Playstation. I have a gym in my apartment complex that is free to use because I am a resident. The problem with this gym is that it is full of skinny people who work out in their makeup and miraculously do not sweat. I, on the other hand, turn various shades of red and purple and spurt salty water like a whale when I exert any sort of energy. No one likes to be the one thing unlike the others, so I had not utilized this gym in the last year and a half.

In the last couple of weeks I have started to wish that I had a real elliptical. Last Friday I decided that it was time to use the elliptical at the gym. What was the worst thing that could happen? The skinny people could laugh and point at the heavy, sweaty, red girl on the elliptical, but I could survive that... So on the way home from work I drove past the gym and saw only one person working out. A perfect time to go and try it out!

I went up to my apartment and put on my workout shorts and a t-shirt. At this point I realized that I had left my tennis shoes at the my boyfriend's house. I scanned my closet for an alternate option. Much to my dismay, I have only one other pair of shoes that even resembles an athletic shoe... a pair of red, platform Tommy Hilfiger sneakers. Well, I was determined at this point, so I swallowed my pride and put on these fire-engine-red shoes and headed to the gym.

By the time I got to the gym, there were at least 6 people there and only one elliptical machine left. And it was next to a guy. An athletic, good-looking guy. Ugh. I got on the elliptical and started my workout. The entire front wall of the gym is mirrored, so every time I lifted one of my legs I saw flashes of red shoes and realized that I was, in fact, the most embarrassing specimen of a gym attendee I had ever seen. Amazingly, not a single person laughed.

After what felt like an eternity but was actually only three (THREE!) minutes, I thought my legs were going to fall off and I was going to hallucinate. Here's the dilemma... I have already looked like a fool coming in the gym in red sneakers (platforms, nonetheless) and have only been on this torture contraption for three minutes... they would surely laugh if I left at this point. So I continued to huff and puff and stayed on the elliptical for 25 (TWENTY-FIVE!) minutes. Whoa. Do you remember the scene in Bridget Jones' Diary when she rides the exercise bike so hard she literally falls off? Well, I didn't fall off, but it was a very close call, as I could no longer feel my legs and my platform sneakers were only a hindrance at this point.

I managed to walk out of the gym in a relatively dignified manner and turn the corner before I bent over at the waste and prayed that I wouldn't vomit. After the struggle back up to my second floor apartment a quarter of a mile away, I sat on my living room floor, drank a liter and a half of water, and wondered what had possessed me that this was a good idea.

I got my regular athletic shoes from my boyfriend the next day and am pleased to announce that I have gone back to the gym three times in dignified clothing. I have not felt like I was going to vomit or hallucinate since that first evening. I don't fear the pretty, skinny people at the gym any more. If the didn't laugh at me in red platform sneakers, they probably never will.

Water, water everywhere

In effort to "live a healthier life" (see blog on resolutions), I have started drinking water--a lot of water. I know that drinking plenty of water will help rid your body of toxins, help you lose weight, make your skin look better, etc. I also know that drinking the 10-12 eight ounce glasses of water a day that I aim for is causing me to make many a trip to the ladies' room. My skin is already looking better and I feel like my system is a bit "cleaner," so maybe it's working. The trips to the ladies' room, though, is hindering my resolution on working smarter. It's always something, isn't it?

My dog has good taste

My boyfriend and I have a four and a half month old Labrador Retriever that is just as black as black can be. His name is Buddy, and he is, indeed, everyone's buddy. I have never encountered an animal with so much energy and such an ability to create chaos. In a matter of moments he can urinate on the floor, bounce over to the coffee table, use one of his gigantic paws to break a glass full of soda, and lick the skin off of the lower half of my face. I'm telling you, this kid is a hand full.

The other night I was sitting on the sofa, playing tug-a-war with dear Buddy. He tired of the game and jumped onto the sofa to give some kisses. Buddy loves the kisses. He made his way to my ear and I suddenly felt a sharp pain. Buddy had managed to bite my earring out of my ear and swallow it before I even knew what had happened. Days later we found the back of the earring in the sofa, but I am fearful the little silver heart the embellished my right ear lobe has vanished forever. That particular set of earrings were a gift I gave myself after graduating from law school... a bright, shiny pair of sterling silver earrings from Tiffany's. My dog has good taste.

Resolutions

My new year’s resolutions (how cliché, I know…)

Listen more. For the entirety of my life I have unapologetically been a talker. I tend to join every conversation, start up chats with strangers, and (sadly) sometimes even fail to hear what someone else is saying because I am merely listening for the opportunity to interject my own comment. I like that I am talker, but I am fearful that I have missed many a wonderful thought because I simply failed to listen. I am resolved to not only hear others, but to listen to what they are saying.

Work smarter. I like to think that I am appearing to work frequently enough, but I often find that I am not working wisely. I do a lot of sitting and mind wandering and day dreaming and internet shopping. I could be much more productive at work if I attempted to actually work. I am resolved to stay on focus more and to work smarter.

Set up housekeeping. I have my own apartment that has its own kind of charm… when it’s clean. I really, really need to put the dishes in the dishwasher as soon as I’m finished using them. I need to pick up all of my miscellaneous belongings before I go to bed each net. I need to hang up my clothes as soon as they are out of the dryer. I am resolved to set up housekeeping… for real.

And the most cliché of all—live a healthier life. I must eat healthier, exercise more, take my vitamins, have quiet time, etc. I mean it this time. Really. Stop smirking.

Blinded by Christmas

Well, Christmas has come and gone and, thankfully, I still have my vision. Well, some vision. My eyesight is absolutely dreadful, but more on that later. I'm always amazed at how busy the holiday season gets... parties and presents and family gatherings and what-not. I always get so excited about the upcoming events and then it all seems to pass in a blur. This year, the blur was both figurative and literal.

My sister, boyfriend and I piled about a zillion packages and all of our luggage into the car and made our way to the grand town of Roswell, NM, where my grandparents' happy home sits amongst other elderly alien-believers. It's not a short drive (6.5 hours or so), nor is it a scenic journey. We passed 256 tubmleweeds, 12 gas stations, one million oil pumps, and an armadillo.

Anyway, my grandparents' home is much like a New Mexican north pole. There is a life size Santa on the front porch, along with an operational train and toy car that would delight any toddler. Inside is crammed full of angels that light up, Santas that sing and dance, and little ice skaters that magically twist and turn on a plastic surface. Since my boyfriend joined us on this journey, he was rewarded with the guest bedroom while my sister and I were banished to inflatable beds in the living room. It's better than the floor... but not much.

It was while sleeping on this inflatable bed in the middle of the Christmas chaos that I awoke to a scorching pain in my right eye and through to the back of my head. I ran to the bathroom to find that my eye was blood-red, my face was starting to swell, and I couldn't see out of that eye. By no means a pleasant turn of events. I took my contacts out (something I should have done before I went to sleep... I know, I know), took a Bendaryl because my sister said that might help, and tried to go back to sleep. After praying that my eye didn't fall out or explode in my head, I managed to slide back into a nap.

The next morning the entire right side of my face was swollen, but the redness and turned to a more mild and less scary pink. My vision was horribly blurred, but the pain wasn't quite as sharp. I called my optometrist and he assured me that my cornea was not going to explode out of my head and set up an appointment for me once I returned to Texas. Within two days my vision was relatively back to normal and I was convinced that I wasn't going to die.

I have since learned that if you wear your contacts for too long, your body will start to think that the contacts are the enemy and will try to fight them off, hence the swelling. Stupid body... those contacts are the only way I can see to make sure the rest of me doesn't get hit by a bus. Anyway, I managed to scratch the lens of my right eye during that battle (hence redness and blurriness).

So let this be a lesson to you all... unless you want your holidays to be a literal blur, take your contacts out before you settle down for a long winter's nap.

I hope all of you out there had a pleasant Christmas, and I wish you a very happy new year.

Stolen Pie

I really do love Christmas. I love the Christmas tree, the lights, the carolers, the crafts, and most of all, I love the homemade treats. I love my grandfather's sugar cookies and I love chocolate covered pretzels I make every year. Hard to beat, though, is my friend Sara's brownie pecan pie. It is simply the best pie in the whole world, so you can imagine my excitement when I came to work this morning and found a brownie pecan pie from Sara on my desk.

I refused to cut the pie and share it with my colleagues because once you cut a pie in a law office, you will not leave the premises with anything more than crumbles. I'm often amazed how quickly grown people can consume desert. My unwillingness to share was met with some sarcastic remarks that bounced off of me like rubber.

I feel that I have sufficiently set the stage for the near tragedy that followed... I came back from a very short trip to the copy room to find that the very pie I have described had been stolen! My favorite Christmas present was gone! The audacity! I stomped around the office laughing and accusing my office neighbors of having stolen my pastry. It turns out it was a practical joke and the pie was retrieved from a chair of an unknowing colleague with no harm down. The fear that the pie might have been sat upon, though, was palpable.

At the end of the day, I have learned a valuable lesson... two lessons, actually. (1) You should always share your pie, as you might end up with none at all if you don't; and (2) you should always make sure there isn't a pie in your chair before you sit down.

Iraqi Wool Prices

I wish it weren't so, but I get a great deal of pleasure out of material things. I'm trying to become more Ghandi-ish and gaining happiness from spiritual wellness and what-not, but for the time being, things of this world put a twinkle in my eye. I like things that sparkle; I like pants that make my rear look smaller than it is; I like "flourish" for my apartment; I like old quilts; and I LOVE cashmere.

Cashmere is a luxury goat fiber from animals raised in the mountains of India, Iraq and China. Cashmere, quite simply, is the world's most fabulous clothing material. I have a particular affinity for the cashmere sweater.

Yesterday I ran across a cashmere sweater that called my name and insisted upon my touching it. And then it required a trying on. And then, of course, it had to be purchased. (If you give a mouse a cookie...) I was standing in line to pay for it when it's coral-colored sister cried and cried about being left behind, so I ended up with a pair of silk/cashmere blend sweaters that are as happy in my life as I am to have them in mine. They were on sale, so I don't feel too badly.

As I was paying for these sweaters, though, I began to wonder why the price of cashmere hasn't increased with the price of gasoline. After all, the price of gas goes up because we are at war with Iraq, so one could only assume that the war would surely also affect the price of Iraqi goat wool. I think the American consumer is getting the raw end of the deal one way or the other... either we are paying too much for gasoline when we don't really need to or we have been paying too much for cashmere all along. I fear that the latter is the truth, but for my sanity's sake I'm going to continue to think that the price of cashmere has been driven sky high along with the price of gasoline and I just got a really good deal.

Bug Magnetism

I do not particularly care for bugs, but bugs are strangely drawn to me. It is a relationship much like the stuck-up cat that won't come to its owner, but rubs all over he who is allergic. Bugs are just drawn to me. I have been bitten by a mosquito in the middle of a thunderstorm and another on the 13th floor of a downtown skyscraper. I'm telling you--they seek me out.

A prime example of my bug magnetism occurred last night. I live in an apartment that I keep relatively cold. Last night was particularly chilly, as there was a hard freeze and I did not turn my heater on (which is another story entirely, relating to a current fear of carbon monoxide poisoning and a love of old quilts). I was lying in bed in flannel pajamas under a sheet, a comforter, and a quilt when I was bitten (twice, just to add insult to injury), by a bug. I'm not sure what kind of bug, but something that made a red mark and made me quite itchy. How can a person be bitten by an itch-inducing bug, under several layers of fabric, during a hard freeze? It is a mystery for the ages.

Consumer note: If a representative of "Off" or "Avon's Skin So Soft" is reading and would like to solicit my bug magnetism for some sort of research project, I'm free most weekends for a small fee.

It's Not a Party Until the Firemen Show Up

I graduated from law school about 2 and a half years ago. Some of the best friends I have ever had, and dare say any person could have, graced the halls of Baylor Law School from 1999 until 2002. Since such friends are, needless to say, invaluable, I try to find ways to stay in touch with them. This holiday season, I thought it would be nice to host a "girls only" Friday night dinner party for a dozen of my closest law school friends.

I planned the party very carefully in my mind... crackers and luxurious cheeses to start; cranberry glazed chicken, potato casserole, and green beans for the meal; and a turtle cheesecake for desert. There would be wine, egg nog, and a festive peppermint martini. I did all the shopping, cleaned my apartment (no small task), had the potatoes in the oven, and had chilled the egg nog by the time my law school roommate showed up. The cranberry glazed chicken is her recipe, so she was gracious enough to come over an hour early and help me prepare the main course. I had marinated the chicken that morning, so all that was needed to start the chicken was a sesame oil and brown sugar glaze that was to be prepared stove top.

Just as we dumped 6 tablespoons of brown sugar into the skillet, there was a knock at my door. It was another guest ready to help with preparations and begin enjoying a holiday beverage. Just as I turned back to the stove, I realized my error. Brown sugar melts very quickly, then burns, and then produces an exorbitant amount of smoke... burned sugar smelling smoke that has hints of creme brule gone very wrong. We immediately took the sugar off of the burner and began to fan away the smoke and open the door to my patio. I opened my front door to allow for some air flow... another error. At this point I realize that my entire apartment is full of burnt sugar smoke and that the tainted air is flowing into the hall of my apartment complex.

My fire alarm begins to sound at an alarming intensity and I, along with my two friends, work frantically to wave air away from the alarm and try and disconnect it. This quickly became the least of my concerns, as a louder and more frantic-sounding alarm began to sound down the halls of my apartment complex. Fire doors slammed shut, the elevator stopped in its tracks, and strobe lights bounced off my neighbors' doors. I ran to the patio and called my leasing office to ask them to turn off the alarm just as I heard fire trucks screaming down the street. Within minutes two fire trucks, including one with a ladder that would have surely thrilled any four year old boy, appeared in my court yard. I leaned over my balcony railing and screamed "Excuse me, sir, there isn't a fire."

Almost immediately there was loud knocking on my door. I flung the door open to find myself looking at an axe. My eyes followed the weapon to the gloved hand that held it and then up to the gas mask (with oxygen tank attached), small brown eyes peaking through smudged glass, and a helmet. The nice public servant at my door asked if I was in any danger, to which I simply replied "I can't cook." I explained that we were glazing chicken (a detail I'm sure they did not care a bit about) and that it began smoking and got out of hand. I promised that everything was under control and that I did not need assistance but appreciated their prompt response and obvious readiness. Please keep in mind that all this is being screamed, as there is still an obnoxiously loud siren and strobe light bouncing off my walls. I was starting to wonder if the dozens of candles blazing on my mantle and various tables was somehow a bad idea for someone who can't melt sugar. The nice firemen, who now numbered three in my living room, couldn't help but chuckle at my failed attempt to emulate Martha Stewart. They declined an offer to stay for chicken (which I promised to bake safely in the oven in order to avoid further problems).

My next guests arrived just as the firetrucks and men with axes pulled out of my courtyard. One of my friends immediately launched into a story about how they had seen firetrucks leaving my complex, but was distracted by the smell of burnt sugar and sooty footprints in my entrance hall. It really isn't a party until the firemen show up.

Self indulgent?

I am starting this "blog thing" and wondering if it isn't a bit self-indulgent. I have always kept a journal / diary and secretly hoped that someday--after I died, of course--it would be discovered, published, and widely acclaimed as one of the most original and insightful texts ever put to paper. I have a sneaking supsicion this dream results from an early obsession with the Diary of Ann Frank.

It seems to me that a blog is nothing more than a public journal. Rather than waiting for the world to discover me, I am thrusting my thoughts and my words into the public. Self indulgent? Probably not. Horrifying? Definitely. I dream that my diary will be found after I die because the thought of someone reading it and NOT thinking that is anything short of spectacular, while I am alive to hear the criticism, is nothing short of crushing. Putting those words out there for the world to see, and hoping that the world will see, is scary. But how will I learn if I don't put the words out there? How will my mind expand to hold the world's thoughts if I don't let others bounce their thoughts off mine?

When all is said and done, I think keeping my journal secret and personal is self-indulgent. The blog seems to me to be quite the opposite.